Chapter 1 – The Crunchy Sound
Once upon a time, Maya’s knees started to make a funny noise.
It was a crackly, crunchy sort of a noise, like the sound of scrunching up paper or tin foil, or crushing cornflakes up in your hand, and it happened every time she went up stairs.
Maya was worried about the strange noises, so she went to see The Physio, who told her she had under-developed glute and thigh muscles which were causing the problems in her knees, and that her knees had started to twist inwards in a way that could be described as “not good”.
Maya “So you’re saying I have a lazy bum?”
Physio “Well, yes, basically. Here are some exercises you need to do to strengthen your bum.”
So then Maya went home with a pocket full of good intentions and a funny-looking rubber band, fully intending to do her physio and fix her bad knees.
Chapter 2 – The 80’s Movie Montage
Maya came home, and proceeded to get really busy, and travel a bit, and do literally no physio whatsoever.
And so it was strange that her knees did not magically get better all by themselves, and in fact, after a whole year of doing no physio at all, they actually got worse instead. Maya started to get sore knees and they started to hurt, and she thought “Oh dear, this is probably not good, I wonder what I could do to fix it?”
Eventually after remembering that she had already consulted a professional, and been given the tools and the know-how to fix the problem, Maya decided to just give it a go.
*Cue 80’s movie montage of Maya working out in slow motion with a big giant rubber band for 2 months. Her flatmate was gleefully waiting in the wings, as Maya promised her that if she failed to do her physio, her flatmate could slap her in the face. The soundtrack to this movie montage is packed with Rocky-style, you-can-do-it 80’s rock classics – DUM…..dum-dum-DUM…..dum-dum-DUM, dum dum DUMMMMMMM….duggaduggaduggaduggadugga DUM…..
Chapter 3 – The Weird Lump
After 2 months of actually doing the physio, the pain got a bit better, but the crunchy noise was still there, so Maya went back to see The Physio.
“I’ve been doing the exercises and EVERYTHING but it’s still making the weird noise, AND now I have a weird lump on my hip that wasn’t there before.”
Physio responded “Don’t worry, that weird lump is actually a muscle, it’s exactly what we were trying to do.”
Maya: “Oh wow – seriously? I just made a muscle out of thin air?”
Physio: “Well no, that’s not really how biology works, but sure, ok, whatever”
Maya: “So how come the noise is still there?
Physio: “Because that was only phase 1 – now that you have hip muscles, we need to build up your quad muscles down the front of your legs. You wouldn’t be able to do the new exercises without building up your hip muscles first.”
“In other words, Because Science.” added Maya.
Chapter 4 – The handbag
And so the Physio showed Maya how to do the next set of exercises, which were EVEN MORE COMPLICATED.
“First” he said “You’ll need a stick to balance wth. Then I want you to stand on one leg, place the other leg behind on your toes, but without putting any weight on it, lift up your other toes, move your leg, but not that much, bend forward, straighten the knee by looking in the mirror, make sure it’s straight, then drop the bum down, keep your back straight, roll forward from the hip, and reach down as if you were picking up an invisible handbag, and then straighten up again. Then repeat that 25 times on each side.”
And Maya said “What’s that now?”
And the Physio repeated it all over again, and then Maya’s face lit up and she said “Oh! You mean like the Bend and Snap?” and proceeded to do her best Reese Witherspoon impression. The Physio sighed and shook his head sadly, as if this wasn’t the first time someone had shown him their best bend and snap move.
“Not really no. I’d better write it down, and I’ll draw you some pictures” he said.
“What kind of handbag is it?” queried Maya, trailing after the poor Physio.
Chapter 5 – The Pop
So Maya went off to do her exercises, which also involved a giant ball and some unfortunate grunting noises, and discovered that instead of the crunchy sound, her knees now make a loud popping sound like when you squish bubble wrap. She has reassured herself that this is a good thing, as it probably means that it is healing, but it’s quite loud and a bit worrying.
She is determined to keep at it until all unauthorised knee noises cease and desist.
Stay tuned for Chapter 6……
(Fade out to more 80’s pop montages, Maya in a leotard and leg warmers grunting with a giant ball, holding a stick and picking up invisible handbags…)